Let’s talk, Santa!


Dear Santa,

How are you and Mrs. Claus? Are Rudolph and your reindeer ready to pull the sleigh? It’s probably pretty busy up there at the North Pole so I thought I’d write you a letter to save some time. I know at Christmas most people make lists for what they would like you to bring them. Well this isn’t one of them. This is a list all about what I DON’T want for Christmas. Yes, you heard me correctly, Santa. Please DO NOT bring me these gifts. I really am grateful for the presents I get from you, but you want me to like them, right?

  1. FESTIVE FRIENDS – Have you tried these? They’re disgusting. Cadbury totally tricked me into buying them thanks to the cute Christmas pictures on the box and what looks like delicious cookies. I hope they didn’t trick you too. Let me save you some trouble, Santa. Don’t ever buy them. No one will want these as a gift.
  2. BEARD-GUARD – Once you brought my dad a beard-guard. I think you were trying to be funny because lots of stuff gets stuck in my dad’s beard. I know it’s going to be a long time before I grow a beard, but please don’t ever think I want one of these. They’re really weird.
  3. UNDERWEAR – I know it’s a useful gift, but I think my mom has this covered. I have enough thank you. Opening up underwear on Christmas morning with all my family there is a little awkward.
  4. BAND-AIDS – Santa, why the heck did you put Band-Aids in my stocking one year? Please do not bring me Band-Aids this year. I know I used to like them and I used to use a lot of them, but that doesn’t mean I want them as a present.
  5. ELF-ON-THE-SHELF – if you think everyone loves Elf on the Shelf, you’re crazy! I don’t need an elf messing up my house and expecting me to look around for him. That’s not my idea of fun. Plus, its face is creepy looking. I’m begging you not to put this under my tree.
  6. SOLAR ECLIPSE GLASSES – These would have been a great gift if I got these last Christmas, BUT seeing as it already happened last August and the next time I could use them for a partial solar eclipse would be on October 14, 2023 this isn’t something I really need right now. I also hope in the next 6 years someone will be able to design better looking ones. They could be a lot cooler.
  7. CLIP-ON MAN BUN – Do I really need to explain why I don’t want a clip-on man bun? Why does this thing even exist? Do people actually buy these?

That’s it! I will be a happy boy on Christmas morning if I never ever see these gifts with my name on them. You rock Santa! I know I can count on you.